Lament for a Son

Answer

Lament for a Son

            In the book Lament for a Son by Wolterstorff, the five stages of depression are clearly exhibited, as the author makes progress towards recovery. The purpose of this paper is to identify the five stages of grief as experienced by the narrator, demonstrate how he managed to use his faith to aid in finding his joy, explain the significance of death and how hope for resurrection comforted Wolterstorff.

The Five Stages of Grief

            Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, an American psychiatrist, argues that all individuals suffering from a loss experience five universal stages of grief. These are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (Kubler-Ross, 1997). They do not have to manifest in this order, and they may be unique to each individual. In the book Lament for a Son, the narrator poignantly portrays these stages.

            According to Kubler-Ross, denial is the conscious or unconscious refusal to facts and reality, relating to the present situation (Kubler-Ross, 1997). After he was told of his son’s death, he wrote, “For three seconds I felt peace of resignation: arms extended, limp son in hand, peacefully offering him to someone-Someone. Then the pain-cold burning pain.” (Wolterstorff 1987, p.9). This shows that initially, he felt nothing, and everything seemed unreal. However, he immediately started feeling the pain of knowing that he would never see him again.

            Kubler-Ross describes the stage of anger as being manifested in various ways; one can be angry at himself or even angry with others especially close relations (Kubler-Ross, 1997). In Lament for a Son, the narrator experiences this stage by being angry at his son for going to the mountain which led to his death. He questions, “Why did he do it?   Why did he climb that mountain?   Why didn’t he stay on flat earth?   Why did he climb it alone?   Why didn’t he go with someone, roped up safely?” (Wolterstorff 1987, p.17).

            Bargaining has been described as a stage in which a person attempts to bargain with God, hoping that things would take a different turn (Kubler-Ross, 1997). In Lament for a Son, Wolterstorff is trying to ask God to give him a chance of doing things all over again by turning back time. He states, "Turn it back. Stop the clock and turn it back, back to that last Friday, that last Saturday. Let him do it over..."(Wolterstorff 1987, p. 23)

            The stage of depression starts to take place when an individual starts to accept reality, but still experiences emotional attachment (Kubler-Ross, 1997). In his book, Wolterstorff accepts the demise of his son, but still finds it hard and painful to be around the things which remind him of Eric. So he laments, “Why are the photographs of him as a little boy so incredibly hard to look at? Something is over. Now instead of those shiny moments being things we can share together in delighted memories, I, the survivor, have to bear them alone…”(Wolterstorff 1987, p.46-47)

            Lastly, Kubler-Ross describes the stage of acceptance as occurring when a person experiences emotional detachment and objectivity (Kubler-Ross, 1997). Wolterstorff accepts his reality and states, “And what of regrets? I shall live with them…And I shall allow them to sharpen the vision and intensify the hope for that Great Day coming when we can all throw ourselves into each other's arms and say, "I'm sorry.” (Wolterstorff 1987, p. 65)

How Wolterstorff finds Joy after his Loss

            Wolterstorff was able to find joy after his loss as he did not stop himself from experiencing grief. He allowed himself to feel the pain, and strongly called upon God for consolation. He realized that God suffers with human beings, and does not actually control all the events (Wolterstorff, 1987). Thus, he stopped his wishful thinking. It is stated in the Bible that “In all our afflictions he is afflicted, and the angel of his presence saves us; in his love and pity he redeems us; he lifts us up and carries us all our days” (Isaiah 63:9). Wolterstorff realized that he had no choice but to cope with the death of his son as is suggested in the Bible “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." (Matthew 5:4). As he let himself experience the grief, he realized that life must include pain and loss (Wolterstorff, 1987). Therefore, he slowly moved a step forward towards his acceptance of what he cannot change, and have no control over. Instead, he decides to also focus on the other kids he still has left.  Finally, he accepted that there is more to life than pain.

The Meaning and Significance of Death

            In light of Lament for a Son, death means not being able to see a loved one ever again, as they move on to a different life. Wolterstorff states, "It's the neverness that is so painful. Never again to be here with us --never to sit with us at table, never to travel with us, never to laugh with us, never to cry with us, never to embrace us as he leaves for school, never to see his brothers and sister marry. All the rest of our lives we must live without him. " (Wolterstorff 1987, p.15). Death is not a friend but an enemy, as it features the slicing off of what God declared to be of great worth (Wolterstorff, 1987). It is further indicated that God is working to overcome it. Apparently, Wolterstorff argues that death brings human beings closer to God. Therefore, human beings, in their grief, find God and learn to follow what he is all about.

The Hope of the Resurrection

            The hope of the resurrection plays an important role in comforting Wolterstorff as he has something to look forward to. Even though his son is no longer present, he hopes that one day he will be able to be with him once again, and this makes him feel better (Wolterstorff, 1987).  His faith in God enables him to believe in resurrection, “…But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the first fruits of those who have fallen asleep” (1 Corinthians 15: 12-20). This creates a comforting feeling as it can be closely related to how a person feels when someone they love goes away for many years. Therefore, it gives Wolterstorff something to place his faith in, compared to when there would be no hope for resurrection. It would really cause an unending pain if one knew definitely that they would never meet again with a loved one.